How can I be vunerable when all I have every been taught is to embrace the strong dominance of the hispanic woman that reigns in my family? This is by far the hardest and most fulfilling lesson that God is putting me through. What struck a nerve and essentially caused me to write this blog was that three Godly men where gracious enough to pray over me and use their gifts to take a peek into my secrets and my pain.
I never knew what a Godly man was and I will be as bold to say that all I have ever seen a man do is leave and the kind of love I have recieved from men is the kind that hurt. Now please don’t mistake that statement as bitterness flowing from my tounge but see it as love and forgiveness bleeding from my heart. I am giving my love and forgiveness freely to the pain that the men in my family and my life have inflicted upon me and saying that no longer will I let the enemy feed me his lies and no longer will I hold resentment toward the first man I ever loved, my father.
I will be the first to admit that I hold secrets, but then again who doesn’t! This is not about getting my two senses into a one way conversation it is about expressing that yes I am still hurt, yes I am still angry, and yes I am still yearning for love. I don’t really know how to write about what I am feeling and to be honest I am a little afraid about what my father would have to say about this (or worse what he would tell my step mother to tell me because that hurts more than him telling me himself) but he should know by now that I am as stubborn as he is and my heart is set on being the daughter of the most high God, so if fufilling that means I have to be vunerable, bold, and honest then so be it.
I find it funny that all my life all I wanted was to be loved through the good the bad and the ugly and I searched for that for years and even now that I sense Gods presence with me always , I still walk into a room asking God could he be the one. Is he the one who will love me and embrace me and make me feel like I am beautiful? But today for the first time I listened and I heard God say, “I am the one, I have always been the one”
So with all the things God is teaching me what I embrace the most is that I am the daughter of the most high God and I am cleansed by the blood of Christ so that I may know that I need not search no longer for I am Loved the way I always wanted to be.
