Who knew that the things I so relectantly let free from the depths of my heart would cause an uproar in the heart of a loved one….God knew. So apparently I said some stuff in previous blogs that upset people which caused an angry phone call and me storming out the house in the middle of the night refusing to talk to my roomates and God. But I am not writing this blog in an attempt to say sorry or take back the things I said because I believed it needed to be said and God needed to work on this part of me and I have to share what it taught me about Community.
With much tears and a whole lotta crazy Puerto Rican chick yelling I stormed past my roomies as they sweetly asked,”Do you want to pray about it”? I of course yelled “NO I want to take a walk”! so I picked up my phone and grabbed my house keys. While walking I clearly heard God telling me to talk to him because I need him. I literally yelled in the middle of the street, “I don’t wanna talk, leave me alone and go help someone else”. Gods soft voice continued and I tried to hide from the Lord Almighty (which I don’t recommend because well it doesn’t work).
Walking, pacing in the darkness of the night. Circling the block, once, twice, three times, while getting bitten by bugs, frightened by animals, and almost hit by a couple of cars, I had lost my Heavenly Fathers voice amidst the chirping of crickets. Scrolling through my phone book wondering who I could vent to, dialing numbers I haven’t dialed in months, all the while ignoring the phone calls from my roomates. I could picture them sitting in the living room waitng for me as I slowly began to walk home. Sure enough I walked in the door to see them and I tried to ignore them while walking to my room. But then I heard, “Sister are you okay”? I choked back my tears and responded “No”.
Running to my room wasn’t enough, they followed me and asked again if they could pray. As I angryly said that I don’t wanna pray, I don’t wanna talk about it, I just want to go to sleep. They looked at me with so much love that I just had to talk to them and pray with them. As they in a sense talked me off the ledge I began to realize that God is showing me my ugliness. It hurts and its embrassing but my sisters assured me that Gods refining love hurts and it takes time but it will be worth it. So I didn’t lose Gods voice I found it in my Community and I saw Christ take on the skin of wretched women. So I am saying sorry to God and sorry to my sisters in Christ. And to my mother I say thank you for without your phone call I wouldn’t have realized the ugliness of me that God finds DIVINELY CAPTIVATING (I hear him say this is a piece of cake, so don’t worry, I’ll take care of it).
